Worthiness

I remember the day very clearly. It was my third year of college, and I was sitting in an upper division history class (European Medieval History to 1547). The topic of the day was the Avignon schism of the 14th Century. A great deal of Church history was covered that day, and in the previous two or three sessions. In the middle of the lecture, an odd thought suddenly sprung into my head: maybe I should convert to Catholicism. It was the first time such a thing ever occurred to me on a conscious level.

The thought of converting to Catholicism was immediately followed by a feeling of unworthiness. I distinctly remember thinking to myself: “No. I’m not worthy of the Catholic Church. It’s too big and too rich and…"? This was about three years into my treading water, and about 18 years before I would finally complete the swim.

I have noticed, in the years since my coming into the Catholic Church, that I was not alone in these thoughts of unworthiness. I’ve mentioned this, at different times, to about two dozen people. Some didn’t really care, some got hostile, but I noticed a fairly large number of people that related perfectly. They kept it hidden down deep, at times only on a subconscious level. But feel it they did. And knowing that others felt the same way helped them get past it.

Now, I have to deal with the idea of condescension right away. Others have accused me of being condescending in the past, and that is the last thing on my mind. If you don’t have this feeling of unworthiness, then count yourself blessed. All I ask is that you accept the idea that some people do feel unworthy. I felt that way myself. It would be a real pity to let those that have such feelings labor under them for any longer than necessary.

Now for the bad news: I doubt there’s any way I can make those feelings go away. I have no clever words. Over time, I’ve noticed that most people are able to put them aside once they realize that they are not alone. However, I have never found any magic words.

What I have tried to point out in the past is that Catholicism is big…REALLY BIG. It is so big that it’s often daunting for those of us that come from other faiths. Cradle Catholics are always amazed by this, and I’m always amazed by their amazement. They don’t see the scale of Catholicism so well as we who come into the Church as adults. The 2000 year history, direct connection with the apostles and Christ, the long list of Popes, transubstantiation, all lead to an almost overwhelming thing. Add to that the people who have made up the Church; the likes of Aquinas alone are enough to make some feel small and unworthy. How many other Churches once had kings bow down to it as Charlemagne did? Feeling overwhelmed and unworthy of Catholicism is probably more normal than not feeling overwhelmed and unworthy of it. (Please don’t pick apart this short list of big things. It is infinitely pick-apart-able, I know. The point, right now, is not the theology/politics of this post, but the bigness.)

Do not be put off by a feeling of unworthiness or smallness. It’s perfectly understandable. It’s also easily put aside once you understand where it comes from. Take heart, you are not alone.